I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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