Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
