I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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