Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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