i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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