Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
