we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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