Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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