I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
