hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize