my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
