What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
