I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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