Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
