Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
