he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm at about main and main street
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
