Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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