well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
