you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
