I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
