I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize