can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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