I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
youre lurking in front of me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
