I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize