so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
