how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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