when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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