my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
