true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
