theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
