Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
