I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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