You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
