I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
