Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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