So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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