I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
only you would photoshop your dick
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
