rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
