I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
