I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
