DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
