It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
