On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
