i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
