i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
