I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
