3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
