you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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