can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
