U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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