Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize