Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
