i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
