i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
