exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
