I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
