Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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