Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
