96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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