If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
they call him Oral-B. enough said
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
