i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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