I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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