so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he was CRYING into my vagina
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
